[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.