I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it