Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
lmao
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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