*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
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A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?