CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
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*praying for world peace*
God:
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game