Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…