I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
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[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Siri, fight Alexa.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet