why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
True
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Time is precious, waste it wisely.