I don’t make the rules sorry
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We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
subtitles are so good nowadays
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My neck, my back, my…
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Harsh but fair
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.