Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
*weighs self after shaving
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
How I like cutting carbs
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day