“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
You Might Also Like
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.