Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”