I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
all bases covered
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job