Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Webb. James Webb.
What kind of a cult is this?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John