My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I’m having an out of money experience.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I drew y’all a little something.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*