Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
i was baptized in a car wash
spot the difference
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
gentlemen, hear me out
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl