8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Somebody’s lying.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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