Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.