[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.