She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
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[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
This line from Airplane.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken