Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
why I oughta