For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
#oldknees
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.