I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
the dark web is just a goth google.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.