[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs