There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.