First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
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People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
tis the season
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.