I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Thinking about Jeff
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.