“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You Might Also Like
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.