My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”