Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.