DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me