Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
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Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Oh thanks BBC.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
#Caturday
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits