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when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do