This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
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Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Girl, same.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”