We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.