*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
You Might Also Like
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!