The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
🤣🤣
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary