It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.