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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.