Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?