Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Best spot.. 😅
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?