Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.