My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆