I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
This dude got his own movie?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.