Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
me irl
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
bugs when you lift up a rock
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”