[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Midwest trash talk
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise