I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
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Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
this is one of the best threads in twitter history