When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.