Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I am having an out of money experience.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.