My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.